Film columns

My weekly film column for Clash (January 2014 – March 2015) provided the website with a substantial boost of traffic every Friday. Here are some of the highlights.

Coming Out The Goddamn Walls
Give the basics of the plot to an infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of Apple products in an infinite amount of chain coffee shops and you’ll get 22 Jump Street within the hour. And probably some quite feasible plots for further sequels as well.

Stunning Bones, Oily Mass
As evidenced by a million or more memes, everyone loves ol’ Nic. One time I even watched The Family Man (I’d lost the remote) and I actually own his version of The Wicker Man on DVD (well, it was free). Indeed, there’s so much goodwill directed at ol’ Nic that it’s hard to be cynical about his comments.

Definitely Not A Moon
A fantasy such as Star Wars should transport you to a world of unimaginable visions and larger-than-life characters. It would be a needless distraction to think, “Hey, that’s Tom Cruise!” when watching a Jedi do his mind tricks. And imagine how tiresome the “Show me the money!” memes would become.

Prison, Poltergeists and Pianos
If something’s weird and it don’t look good: who you gonna call? Well Bill Murray ain’t picking up the phone, Harold Ramis is sadly no longer with us and original ‘Busters director Ivan Reitman has subsequently stepped back to a producer role. You’re gonna have to call Dan Aykroyd. And he’s got real ghosts to bust.

Sci-Fi Awe and Sexual Absurdity
Turns out that England manager Roy Hodgson is a fan of Werner Herzog’s Fitzcarraldo, which is apt as getting England past the second round of the World Cup will be akin to that movie’s tale of attempting to pull a steamboat over a mountain.

Shia Shenanigans and Frosty Salsa
We can safely assume that neither Cantona nor LeBeouf hold any special scientific insight into the piscivorous behaviour of the seabird.

Gloaming, Gleefully
Foster points to films that have a “twinkle in their eyes” such as Guardians Of The Galaxy as a surer route to success. Disturbingly, however, that point could also be applied to a distressing dystopian future: imagine Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie being streamed direct into your retinas forever.

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